Well, as if today wasn’t bad enough already with this shit show of an election, today is the 10 year anniversary of my mother’s passing…. and I’m going to get on my ranty soap box for a minute here about the election…. Like wtf, America. I knew many people (especially in the Bible Belt where I currently reside) were racist, sexist, and prejudice rotten assholes but this really exposed how intense this mentality still is in modern day America, in the year 2016, the year of our lord and saviors Snapchat and ‘chill’. I was already scared of people in general and of living in the south, and now I have grown more terrified and wary. As so many others have. Like, early on in the night last night I figured Hillary would pull through and win (and that it would be a very huge win), because everyone I know were about Hillary and anti-Trump. So when I saw the piss storm that it turned into late last night, I was like “WTF how I don’t know anyone who would vote for this inside-out sweet potato” but then I realized that I DO know people who would vote for him: my biological family. I remembered how a year ago my dad was watching Trump going on on TV, and was all “at least he tells it like it is!” and how my stepmom, my half-brother and step-sister, and family on both sides (including my MOM’S FUCKING SIDE which I absolutely hate because that side is usually okay and not terrible like 98% of my dad’s side) were like him. Which goes to show, once again that none of my bio family cares about me or the LGBTQ+ community, thinks we deserve rights, and will never accept us. Which unfortunately isn’t new, they’ve been in denial and offended about me being an atheist and, as they eloquently put it, a “faggot” since my step-sister forced me out of the closet as a scapegoat when I was 17 (8 years ago). I am probably uninvited to all family holiday dinner junk due to my FB post about how I felt about this election (oh I’m so upset about having to sit at home and eat tofurkey in bed or hold 2nd annual Friendsgiving…), but ever since I was 10 it has always been a shitty interrogation visit at any family event. Always with the “so when are you going to grow up and grow out of this?”, “You can’t be weird forever”, “Have you started to finally eat meat again like the lord commands?”, “Have you found the lord and stopped being Satanic?”, “Are you right yet?”, etc. They all think I’m ‘not right’, as in I’ve got something broken within me because of how I am. And as I always say, family and people that hate me for who I am are no family or friends to me. I just try to keep the peace during holidays….. but this year may be the year that ends. ALSO!! I’m very upset about this election due to the fact that my brother BJ (not my half-brother, BJ is the brother I like) who is the smartest and best person I know, woke up very upset about this election. Which hurts my heart because he is such a kind, caring individual and is now scared for himself (he is autistic and fears because he is mentally disabled that Trump and his cult followers will harm him, which I will fucking kill if they even think about it). I raised my brother completely after our mom passed, so seeing him upset about this makes me very heartbroken and want to murder every one of these terrible people.
And now I will talk about today and my mother’s 10 year anniversary of passing, sorry I got long-winded up there….
10 years ago my mom died in the hospital after going brain dead. What caused this was my dad, depression, and anorexia. All this started in 1991 when my mom met my dad. My mom was a bartender in Texas and my dad was some construction worker dude. A 1 night stand led to pregnancy (it me surprise), and them getting married because even in 1991 that was THE Thing you absolutely had to do if you got the prego outside of wedlock (or because you told your very old school parents and wouldn’t just go get an abortion, Christ mom). My dad was NOT happy about that. And my dad was NOT happy when he found out he was having a girl instead of a boy. Like, he went into that hospital on the day I was delivered hoping that the doctors were wrong and that I came out kickin’ with a penis. He was pretty disappointed, like how you tell someone to go get your favorite kind of burrito from Taco Bell or whatever and they come back with taco flavored chips or something from the Dollar Tree. As I was growing up in the tiny town of Oxley in my beginning years, my dad was never around much, was an alcoholic, and eventually went to jail. Unfortunately, my mom was still in love and all that and didn’t see this as an opportunity to haul ass. She stayed and waited. Then he got out, BJ was created (my mom knew I wouldn’t be happy about having a sibling since I was a weird brat so she told me it was a cat in there which I believed), and Russell went to prison. Instead of bailing this time, she took their savings, bought a trailer, and put it on some land in Shirley, Arkansas (my hometown where I unfortunately spent most of my life).
When Russell got out this time, it seemed he got wayyy more intense. Like, he was already a shitty person who didn’t care about my mom or having kids and just wanted to get messed up and talk shit on us (in front of us usually)…. but then he took it to a physical level. I remember one of the times I saw him physically harm my mother. This was the time that really stuck with me. It was late at night, and I came out of my bedroom to see him choking her. I flipped, it was scary to see at age 4/5. I started shouting “leave her alone! Let her go!” and he kept telling me to go back to the bedroom and slapped me. But he did stop choking her. I remember after this, they stopped sharing a bed together and instead he started sleeping in my room. Which was annoying and upsetting (especially as I got older) because I had to share the bed with him and sleep with him. Which I feel like was a huge no no. He would always come in my room when I was trying to play with my horses (I had a lot of toy horses, I was one of those kids) and tell me to stop playing because it was annoying. So I stopped playing. And he always would rage if we cried or showed much emotion, so I think that’s when I shut down my feelings and started hiding them. Also, when Russell got out and came to Shirley, it wasn’t long after that that my mom’s cousin Liz started coming around with her husband and kid, Lauren….
Eventually, he decided to buy some property up the road and build a house. He told my mom that he was building the house for all of us to move there. Unfortunately, my mom believed him and was so excited. Liz was around A LOT. But apparently no one got wise to it. When he finished building, he packed his stuff one morning and told my mom he had been seeing Liz and that the house actually was for him and Liz, not him and my mom. And that he’d see her in court for divorce. This really, extremely broke my mother. She was so beside herself. Before this incident she did exercise a lot and didn’t eat very healthy because my dad would tell her she was fat and ugly (no matter what because he is utter shit) and so she’d try to please him. But when this happened, she barely ate. She started drinking a lot from what I remember. She hated Liz, I can’t blame her. After the divorce went through, I remember Liz and Russell laughing about it because they were able to take me away from her (fuck that whole deal, I was so upset) and how she was dumb and they hoped she would die. My dad would drive by my mom’s house a lot and call to complain about things. He would even steal our pets if they were outside and do who knows what with them. I know he did run over one of my dogs, a beagle named Bandy. Sometimes he’d come on the neighboring property and shoot BB guns at my horses and my grandpa’s cattle. He stole my pet goat and gave it to someone else. He’d call and hang up a lot. He would leave rude notes on my mom’s car windshield at Walmart. But, none of this alarmed anyone. He was “just being Russell”. No one wanted to see my mom’s side of the situation or help her or do anything. He was a monster, truly.
One time, I remember my mom was drinking and really upset. She was sitting in the closet so my brother and I went in there to try to get her out. She locked us in the closet with her and told us how she was going to get a gun, find Liz’s car at Walmart, get in it, and blow her brains out all over her nice new car interior that Russell bought her (Russell started working at the family-run funeral home in Clinton when he got out the 2nd time). This terrible, sad plan of my mom’s was quite a thing to hear as a young kid and has stuck hard in my mind since. When the divorce went through and I had to go live with Russell, I was so mad and upset. My mom was too, but for some reason the court ruled Russell get one of us and my mom get the other (BJ). I did not want to go live with him, I was scared of him and I hated him and Liz. Liz and Russell thought they were something, fucking my mom up like that and taking me away just to spite her. I turned into a babysitter for them for Lauren (step-sister) and for Carson who was born before Russell left (half-brother), as well as a house maid and punching bag. But everyone really liked to overlook that fact and be hush hush about it. The molestation also started as some “punishment” for things like, not taking care of Carson well enough, not doing something right, or for showing emotion. People overlooked that too.
My mom eventually quit her job and stopped eating almost completely. She got down to 85 lbs, could barely walk anymore, and was very ‘not all there’. Her eyes had yellowed. After I got taken away, I was not allowed to go see her or talk to her. I was so mad. I didn’t get to see BJ either really, unless it was at school. The last time I ever saw my mom alive was one day my dad, very pissed off, told me to get in his truck because I was going to have a visit with my mom. For only an hour I was allowed. I was excited, but nervous because I thought she’d be mad at me. Nothing could have prepared me for this visit. I did not know she had gotten that bad. I saw her yellow eyes, how super thin she was, how she could barely walk and it made me feel sick and upset. But she was happy to see me. She asked me if I was thirsty and I told her no and she decided to try to walk to the kitchen anyway and I felt so bad and told her not to worry and I’d get myself a drink later. We sat and talked for an hour. She said she liked my look, and I came out to her as also liking girls (I did not know what pansexual was back then or that you could be nonbinary), and she was the very first person I came out to and the only supportive family member of it (besides my brother BJ). She was also accepting of me being an atheist (none other besides BJ were). When it was time to leave, Russell decided to be super pleasant and blare the horn until I came to the truck. When I had to go, we hugged tightly and she said she loved me and wished things hadn’t turned out how they did and had gotten to keep me and that she wish she could have had more time with me. I did not think about it then.
The Halloween before she died, I had a weird feeling. I just did. So when Russell and Liz left to go who knows where that evening, I took the chance and called my mom to talk to her. We had a long conversation and she told me she loved me and to be brave and to keep being myself and to get away from Russell when I could. She told me she was sorry it turned out how it was and that she had hoped it could have changed and she missed me constantly. She told me she was so sorry and that she regretted how it was and hated Russell and Liz for it all. I had to get off the phone when I saw Liz and Russell pull up or else they’d absolutely let me have it if they had caught me or found out. The last thing my mom said to me was that she loved me.
On the evening of November 8th, my dad came home and had BJ with him with some of his clothes. Something was wrong. My dad told me that he was running off to go to a hospital in Little Rock while some neighbor would come sit with us and keep an eye on BJ and I (Liz and the other 2 were gone somewhere). When he left, BJ explained that our mother had had a seizure and had been flown to Little Rock. The neighbor person told us we better not talk about it anymore or else we’d be in trouble. I want you to know that my dad drove all the way to Little Rock to basically watch my mom die like it was some final victory on his part. He brought beer, he drank and celebrated like it was some sports game and his team was coming through hardcore. What had happened was that my mom had went brain dead, and died. We got the call early November 9th of her passing. We both were silent. We didn’t know what to do, but we knew if we showed any emotion we would get in trouble. BJ had to move in. Liz and Russell were so pleased with my mom dying. They treated it like it was some party. It was so sick to watch. And if we ever acted upset or sad about it, they’d get really mad at us like we were just ruining their lives with being sad over our mom dying.
I was so mad when my mom died. Mad at Russell and Liz, and mad at my mom. I know my anger at my mom and misdirected and immature, but I was so upset because I felt like she had abandoned us and abandoned saving me from Russell. I was mad for a few years. But then I got over it, finally felt some of my hurt from her death, and realized it wasn’t her fault at all and 100% Russell and Liz. I have not faced completely the fact that she is dead, I don’t know if I ever can. My brother and I don’t really talk about it, it’s like it just never happened I guess. The first time (yes the first time, Russell didn’t let me go to the funeral) I visited my mom’s grave was years after she passed. It was weird and very surreal. I have only been 2x. I was hoping to go today but Phil uses my car during the week since he has the nice job and her grave is an hour and a half away. Growing up in a funeral home, I got used to death and dead bodies. But my mom’s body is the only body so far that I do not know if I could hold it together if I saw it.
Russell now tries to play like he never acted how he did when my mom was dying/died. He does the “I tried to help her but she wouldn’t have it. She’s the reason I left, I wanted to stay” etc. I think it is guilt creeping in. I hope that the guilt eats him and Liz alive. I hope it tears them apart. I hope it fucking kills them. I do. I know that’s harsh, but with how they were with my mom and how they treated me and other people (and still d0), I wish all the pain and death on them. Every moment I wish it was Russell who had died, or me. With every moment that passes I question why my mother out of the two. I wish so bad that I could have traded places with her, I wish so bad that it had been me instead. I feel guilt constantly because I do not think I would make my mom proud, with being a failure and not being able to currently get BJ out of my dad’s house around from that toxicity. Just over a year ago I wrote a suicide note while strung out which included a letter to my mom. I wrote how I knew she would be disappointed in me and that I’m sorry for failing her. The last thing my mom said before she died was apparently that she did not want her children raised by Russell, but guess what happened. We lived with him til I got exiled for being, again as he elegantly says, a “faggot” and an atheist and went to college. BJ is still there. BJ is one of the top motivations for trying to get a decent job/entry level career going with this stupid degree, he’s also the top motivation for this business degree that has paid off so so so well here. 10 years is so long but at the same time, I can’t believe it and I’m not sure I want to.
I will finally end this long blog post by saying this: If you know anyone who is depressed, suffering from an eating disorder or a mental illness, or being abused do not treat it lightly or ignore it. Please don’t do that. My mother is proof that when you do that, that it does not turn out well and that people can die from these things and neglect to help them. And because everyone overlooked her and didn’t take her seriously, I don’t have a mom. She’s dead. I grew up without her for support or making memories. There are so many things I wish I could have shown her or done with her over the years and so many times I wish I had her around, which is a constant feeling honestly. Please be kind to people and helpful as you can, sometimes people really need it even if they don’t want to admit it or try to hide it.
Thank you for reading this if you did.