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Dagger's Domain

Drag, goth stuff, ranting, venting, the whole shebang!

My first post!

This is my first post on this new blog, hopefully I will stick with it. I think maybe it could help with my feelings and be sort of a therapy like thing. I don’t know. Anyway, just expect a lot of bitching, ramblings, thoughts, links, music, just anything really I guess. Whatever I feel like conversing about, which I am not good at doing but I will try to on this blog. Hopefully it will be an outlet for some feelings and a way to open up kind of.

Anyway, thank you for checking it out and following my future posts if you do!

Featured post

20 People Who Would’ve Been Better Guest Judges Than Meghan Fuckin’ Trainor

Bein’ a bitter Betty ’bout it, I guess. Anyway, here goes:

  1. Nina Hagen – ICONIC OKAY
  2. Siouxsie Sioux – ALSO ICONIC AS ALL HELL
  3. Cyndi Lauper
  4. Elvira (again) – we can never get enough
  5. Dolly Parton – invite Trixie as well so she could meet her
  6. Cher – I’ve been waiting my whole life for this
  7. Bjork – Now that everyone looked up who Bjork was after Katya’s snatch game, I think this is fundamental
  8. Lydia Lunch – Henry Rollins in season 2, Lydia Lunch one day hopefully
  9. Nick Cave – I know very unlikely and probably awkward as all hell but he’d be a much better judge than Trainor and he would be entertaining AF!
  10. David Lynch – Another one that may be odd but hella entertaining
  11. Me! –  No one knows me but I think I am pretty entertaining at times. Maybe.
  12. Katya AND Trixie – Everyone and their dying grandmother (call 1-800-99 LAW USA today for a free legal consultation and financial information packet. Mesothelioma patients call now! 1-800-99 LAW USA) would tune in and Ru KNOWS it.
  13. Boy George – Fundamental icon
  14. Marc Almond – Another fundamental icon
  15. Shrinkle from Sugarpill – with as much as some of the queens promote Sugarpill, they should get her on the show.
  16. James St. James – I’ve been waiting
  17. Amanda Lepore – she JUST put out a book, soooo promote my sister! I need to get my copy asap…. if only I could go back in time to get her to sign it…..
  18. Rubber Child and Lisa Limbaugh aka Lasagna Limbs – another duo that people would tune in just to see
  19. Porkchop – Give the people god please
  20. Tilda Swinton – Would be entertaining af

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10 Animal Accounts You Gotta Follow on Instagram!

I follow a LOT of pet accounts on Instagram, my Instagram feed is essentially just drag and gant dogs, and it’s the only reason I get on Instagram anymore since I never take selfies anymore. And so I decided to share 10 accounts that you should definitely follow to make your feed more kawaii and uplifting or something. If you don’t have Instagram, then here are 10 reasons to make an account:

  1. Nazgûl the Great (@onlytheatreofdane) – Nothing wrong with some self-promotion okay MY SON IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL AND HIS ACCOUNT IS FUNDAMENTAL OKAY HENNY SPAGHETTIS!!!1!!
  2. Donnie Barko (@donniebarko) – This dude is precious and his parents know how to run an account. If I ever got another little dog I would want one like this.
  3. Wilford Brimley, Brim for short (@brimthemastiff ): This dog is my spirit animal and has the BEST facial expressions, like look at this one, just look at it.
  4. Casper the Cat (@casp3r.the.cat): This is the furbaby of my cousin, and I have met him before and he knows he is photogenic for sure. I think my cousin has even gotten some photos of him in the local newspaper before.
  5. Vanya Velour (@vanya.velour): Yes, this is the furbaby of Rupaul’s Drag Race season 9 contestant, Sasha Velour.
  6. Dogue (@nuttydoguelover): Another face (or 3 faces????) with a million expressions.
  7. Frederick Griffington (@frederickgriffington): He looks like the angriest old gnome man and I love it.
  8. Sweetie the Capybara (@sweetiecapy): Sweetie is fashion, get over it. Capybaras are so cute, don’t deny it.
  9. KFPS Beautiful Friesian Horses (@royal_friesian): While this account isn’t for one particular horse, it is an account that shares photos of many lovely Friesians. If you don’t know what a Friesian is, go check out the account. They’re essentially the gothest horse. Go clock the video on the 7th row and tell me how stunning that is.
  10. Finlay and Beckett (@finlaydoodledooandbecketttoo): I love love love love love love love love Irish Wolfhounds and Beckett is so handsome. I cannot wait to get our Wolfhound puppy!!

I hope these accounts make your feed more exciting and also appreciate animal accounts you wouldn’t think to follow (like capybaras and horses). Enjoy, and also if you’re not in Dogspotting or Cool Dog Group on Facebook you need to be! I wish horse spotting was a thing too. But yeah anyway animals! ❤

10 Bands on Bandcamp That You Should Check Out, Like, Last Wednesday…

I decided this was a good idea since these may not be bands that you’ve yet encountered on bandcamp, and they are ones I highly recommend if you are also a peruser of the site (or haven’t yet went adventuring through for new music to go deaf to). At least listen to one song from each of these bands, because they deserve that and you might be missing out on something you’ll hella vibe with! If you don’t check out all of these bands out though, I won’t go to ANY of your children’s plays or events, not sorry about it! Anyway, thank you for reading and enjoy!

  1. Shrouds (California):

    1.  https://shrouds-official.bandcamp.com/album/shrouds-e-p
    2. Also if you’d like a shirt or pins, hit up the members, they’ve got the goods!
    3. For fans of: deathrock (like Rozz/Christian Death deathrock and PART 1) and also for fans of  hella stocking up on Halloween paper plates.
  2. Feeding Fingers (Italy):

    1.  https://feedingfingers.bandcamp.com/album/attend
    2. I know I share them a lot but PLEASE just give them a chance, you will love Feeding Fingers I swear on your estranged aunt’s grave plot that you will!
    3. For fans of: darkwave, The Cure, and burning old love letters in your grandparents’ George Foreman grill that you inherited.
  3. Replicant (Bitch, they’re from CHICAGO!):

    1. https://replicantmusic.bandcamp.com/album/bloodmoon
    2. Okay so there is this festival in Chicago, COLD WAVES VI, and they’re playing (along with Drab Majesty, Cold Cave, and Stabbing Westward) and I want to go so bad and you should definitely try to go yourself!
    3. If you go to their Facebook page , their pinned post is a teaser for new music in the works!
    4. For fans of: darkwave, Depeche Mode, and pretending like you are a robot during one-night stands.
  4. pankow (Italy): 

    1. https://pankow.bandcamp.com/album/times
    2. I just discovered them recently and I was like “What why did I not know them before?!”
    3. For fans of: Joy Division, Blessure Grave, and wailing outside of IKEA on your birthday.
  5. Mary (Toronto):

    1.  https://maryofficial.bandcamp.com/album/self-titled-lp
    2. Another band I discovered in recent times and was like “WHAT?! I’m so old and out of the loop!”
    3. For fans of: Switchblade Symphony, Clan of Xymox, and trying to drown yourself when it rains like how turkeys do.
  6. Bleach Birth (Asheville, NC):

    1.  https://bleachbirth.bandcamp.com/album/bleach-birth
    2. One of my favorite people ever of all time did a review on this album and you should definitely read it.
    3. For fans of: Cemetery, Icons of Filth, and shouting “I’m crust goth” at college parties every hour.
  7. Underpass (San Diego): 

    1. https://aboutviolence.bandcamp.com/album/red-reflection
    2. I am so obsessed with this band, it is maybe weird.
    3. For fans of: Robert Smith’s vocals, The Chameleons, and daydreaming of walking your dog but like in space.
  8. Trauma Harness (St. Louis, MO): 

    1. https://traumaharness.bandcamp.com/album/the-way-you-press-on-harder
    2. I know this album is older but it is the first thing I heard of theirs and my favorite.
    3. For fans of: Christian Death, Eat Your Makeup, and shot-gunning 3 beers before getting baptized.
  9. Masquerade (Helsinki):

    1.  https://masqueraded.bandcamp.com/
    2. Get their latest LP if you’ve not already!
    3. For fans of: Siouxsie and the Banshees, Untoward Children, and hiding candy corn in your teased bob.
  10. Ghost Bones (Arkansas represent!):

    1.  https://hearghostbones.bandcamp.com/releases
    2. I really, really need to see them perform because they’re about the only local band I dig. Well okay the only one.
    3. For fans of: Jack Off Jill, Dekoder, and watching the OG Godzilla on loop whilst horned up.

Top 5 looks of each RPDR season 9 Queen

I was supposed to post this weeks ago…. but, the night I started writing it….. I was really messed up. Like it was stupid. I had to fix what I had written/linked to. Anyway, these are 5 looks each of queens on season 9 that I hella dig (not including ones on the show or the NYC premiere event I watched). Here is the intro I amazingly typed out the night I started this post:

I am super excited and cannot wait for March 24th when the season starts. I even watched the first 20 minutes of the first episode on YouTube (sue me, I was excited and couldn’t resist). I have decided to share 5 of my favorite looks of each season 9 queen. Disclaimer: I will not be including the outfits I saw them wearing on the show because I’m nice  like that and don’t want to spoil it for anyone. I MAY however include look from the NYC Meet the Queens party. Anyways, enjoy and gag on these fierce looks!

Thank you for reading/looking at my blog and check out the lqqks below!

Aja: Aja 1 , Aja 2 , Aja 3 , Aja 4 , and Aja5 !

Alexis Michelle: Alexis Michelle 1 , Alexis 2 , Alexis 3Alexis 4 and Alexis 5

Charlies Hides: Charlie Hides 1 , Charlie Hides 2 , Charlie Hides 3 , Charlie Hides 4 , and Charlie Hides 5

Eureka O’Hara: Eureka 1 , Eureka 2 , Eureka 3 , Eureka 4 , and Eureka 5

Farrah Moan: Farrah 1 , Farrah 2 , Farrah 3 , Farrah 4 , and Farrah 5

Jaymes Mansfield: Jaymes 1  , Jaymes 2 , Jaymes 3 , Jaymes 4 , and Jaymes 5

Kimora Blac: Kimora 1 , Kimora 2 , Kimora 3 , Kimora 4 , and Kimora 5

Peppermint: Peppermint 1 , Peppermint 2  , Peppermint 3 , Peppermint 4 , and Peppermint 5

Sasha Velour: Sasha 1 , Sasha 2 , Sasha 3 , Sasha 4 , and Sasha 5

Shea Coulee: Shea 1 , Shea 2 , Shea 3 , Shea 4 , and Shea 5

Trinity Taylor: Trinity 1 , Trinity 2 , Trinity 3 , Trinity 4 , and Trinity 5

Valentina: Valentina 1  , Valentina 2 , Valentina 3 , Valentina 4 , and Valentina 5

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10 of My Favorite Performances

So since my last post was of 150+ queens you need to know, I decided I wanted to do 10 performances that I loved by queens. So here is the list with links to videos. If you have the chance to see any of these queens live, please do. You will not be disappointed. Also, I have a drag-themed tumblr that I just made and will be posting drag content on, including doing a ‘queen of the day’ everyday as well. Anyway, here are the performances you should check out:

  1. Trixie Mattel performing an ORIGINAL song . If any of the Ru girls deserve an album, it’s Trixie hands down period 100% don’t fax me.
  2. Aja performing “Glass and Patron” (FKA Twigs) – A highly rumored season 9 queen (if she is not on there, I will go into the street and scream for 5 hours). This performance will make you love Aja so so much.
  3. Porcelain performing at Drag Carnage  – Okay so Porcelain is one of my favorite people ever and while I am not a Rob Zombie fan, I remember watching this performance awhile back and sharing it with everyone.
  4. Novelí performing “Night Shift” at Dark Room – Noveli is also one of my favorite people ever and you know if someone performs to Siouxsie or any of the music I listen to that I am 100% hella about that.
  5. Vander Von Odd performing to Vampire Primitive mix – AND THIS IS WHY VANDER WON OKAY!!!!! *insert me telling you to go watch the Boulet Brothers’ Dragula series on Youtube right now* #Glampire
  6. Chad Michaels as Cher (and Marilyn Manson) – I have yet to see Chad in person, but as a person who is obsessed with Cher and a huge Chad Michaels fan….. I really really need to.
  7. Alyssa Edwards performing at Sway! – Okay so at first I wasn’t going to include performances that I had seen with my own eyes, but for Alyssa, I must because she is the BEST Rugirl performer I have seen live. Most of the video is her, and the other queens in the video you should definitely check out. This was the first pageant at Sway and it was more than fitting to have Alyssa there.
  8. Sharon Needles performing “Toxic” – As everyone knows, Sharon has been my #1 Rugirl since she went on. And early Sharon gives me hella life.
  9. Rhiannon Presents: Nightmare Before Christmas at Sway – Okay, another one I have seen in person but…. Rhiannon put on a hell of a show. Not only did Rhiannon, but the whole cast. You have to remember that in Arkansas, a live performance of Nightmare Before Christmas isn’t something you just come by too often. If you’ve not checked out Rhiannon Cortez or any of the Arkansas queens I had on my list of queens to know, then I highly suggest you check them out!
  10. Aquaria performs “Our God is an Awesome God – Okay first, you need to go check out the perfection of Aquaria’s instagram (@ageofaquaria). Now, I love this performance because I live for tongue in cheek, sacrilegious stuff. Sue me, I grew up in the Bible Belt.
  11. Sasha Velour performs “Hopelessly Devoted to You” – I have a serious Count Orlok fetish and obsession, and Sasha gives me life. Also another heavily rumored season 9 queen that I very much hope to see on there! **** Bonus because Sasha Velour is fundamental to your life ***

Thank you for reading and checking out these talented performers! ❤

157 Queens You Betta Be Knowin’ !

*My first post in quite awhile, I have a lot of life updates I will post blog entries about later and will try to write posts on here more regularly*

I have been wanting to make a list of need to know drag queens for awhile, but after watching and finishing Dragula, I was compelled to finally kick myself in the ass and get to it. This list will have queens who have not been on Drag Race and are not highly rumoured to be on season 9. I love and support all drag and art. Drag is an art and should be appreciated in all forms…. be it fishy, couture, scary, creepy, alternative, punk rock, filthy, or whatever. There is so much drag out there that is not yet showcased on Rupaul’s Drag Race and I want to share some amazing queens with you that I feel like you should check out. This is not to badmouth Rupaul’s Drag Race or Rugirls, seeing as I am a huge fan of the show (my favorite show only second to Dragula) and love every Rugirl and Rupaul himself with every fiber of my pansexual, drag obsessed anus. Drag has always spoken to me, even when I was a young kiddo. I remember my mother used to watch The Rupaul Show and I was always struck by Ru and everyone on the show. I remember my mom also being a John Waters and Divine fan, and so I credit her to initially introducing me to drag and LGBTQ+ icons.

Anyway, enough rambling. Here is the list of queens you should definitely check out asap please (will include their instagram acount with each queen and commentary on a few):

  1. Porcelain (@ripporcelain) – One of my favorite queens of all time. Probably my favorite of all time. Always perfection.
  2. Novelí (@accentonthei) – One of my favorite people EVERRRRRRR. Deathrock realness perfection.
  3. Rhiannon Cortez (@rhiannoncortez) – I have known Rhiannon for a long time. We grew up together in the middle of nowhere, as the two weirdo vampire kids in black. Please check her out, she is my absolutely favorite Arkansas queen.
  4. Creme Fatale (@cremefatale) – Oh my god kawaii on steroids perfection. Everytime I see her photos on my Facebook or Instagram timeline, I envy everyone who gets to see her perform.
  5. Hexate (@hexate)
  6. Athena Sinclair (@athena_sinclair) – I know Athena and her performances are amazing. I still have her Athena dollars from one of her shows in my wallet.
  7. Soju Love (@soju_love) – FUCKING AMAZING PERFECTION OH MY GOD.
  8. Lady Boi (@thatsladyboi) – Lady Boi is sickening, kind, and a killer performer.  I always love seeing her when I go out in Little Rock
  9. Duo Raw (@duoraw) – Okay, I know a lot of people know them already BUT apparently some people don’t…. and EVERYONE should.
  10. Boulet Brothers (@bouletbrothers) – Again…. some people don’t know them (like what) but EVERYONE should dammit. Also go watch Dragula on Youtube if you haven’t already.
  11. Wednesday Westwood (@wednesday_westwood) – I just discovered Wednesday recently and I was so shook by every look, like damn.
  12. Ariel Versace (@arielversace) – Ariel is so fish, she’s the whole damn ocean. And I want all her wigs.
  13. Claire O’Win (@theonlyclaireowin) – I love seeing Claire’s posts on insta and reddit, and she is perfect.
  14. Lisa Limbaugh (@lisalimbaugh) – I can only hope you know who Lasagna Limbs is, and if you don’t…. you need to. #HausofPiss
  15. Rubber Child (@rubberchild) – Again, you need to know. #HausofPiss
  16. Eva Young (@evayoung_) – Another queen that is so immaculate that I want to cry in my crawl space.
  17. Symone Enchantress (@empress_symone) – Another Arkansas queen I know and love. She brings it and then some in performances and like damn, legs4dayz&thensome
  18. Cherry Kills (@queencherrykills) – One of my favorite people to see on Twitter.
  19. Ellis Atlantis (@ellis_atlantis)
  20. Discord Addams (@discordaddams) – Perfection
  21. Gidget Von Addams (@gidgetvonaddams)
  22. Reprobabe (@reprobabe) – I love love love Reprobabe and everytime I see her I get really excited. Punk as fuck okay.
  23. Aquaria (@ageofaquaria) – Aquaria did Lady Gaga better than Gaga.
  24. Meth (@dontdodrugsdometh)
  25. Boo Sutcliffe (@boosutcliffe)
  26. Raven Cortez (@raven.cortez)
  27. James Majesty (@jamesmajesty)
  28. Chloe Jacobs (@evannealjacobs)
  29. Loris (@lorisqueen) – Okay I’m including the Dragula queens on here because not enough people know about Dragula or the cast.
  30. Vander Von Odd (@vandervonodd) – She deserved that win
  31. Xochi Mochi (@xochi_mochi)
  32. Melissa Befierce (@melissa_befierce)
  33. Frankie Doom (@frankie_doom)
  34. Meatball (@spiciestmeatball)
  35. Pinche Queen (@pinchequeen)
  36. Foxie Adjuia (@foxie_adjuia)
  37. Ursula Major (@ifvckedursulamajor)
  38. J (@callme.j)
  39. Terra Rhyzen (@terrarhyzen)
  40. Kandy Muse (@thekandymuse) – The whole house of Aja is #goals
  41. Dahlia Sin (@dahlia_sin)
  42. MoMo Shade (@momoshade)
  43. Trannika Rex (@trannikarex) – Go to Chicago and see all her shows, and give her money and one bedazzled fanny pack.
  44. Layonya Grave (@lay0nya) – A local queen that I love and always has stellar lqqks.
  45. Wanda Screw (@wanda_screw)
  46. Maddelyn Hatter (@theonlymadd) –
  47. Chloe Knox (@chloeeknox)
  48. Heklina (@heklina) – another you should know and that I shouldn’t have to put on here. Hosts many shows (like Mother) and co-owns The Oasis.
  49. Lady Bunny (@official_lady_bunny) – another you should know already. SHE ORGANIZED WIGSTOCK IN THE 80S YO.
  50. Peaches Christ (@peaches_christ) – Another you should really know prior to this list.
  51. Louisianna Purchase (@louisiannapurchase)
  52. Eve Summers (@evesummersxo)
  53. Alexis Stone (@thealexisstone)
  54. Pulp Friction (@pulpfricti0n)
  55. Lucy Paradisco (@lucyparadisco)
  56. Ryan Burke (@ryburk) – Killer, killer lqqks.
  57. Marjorie Mayhem (@marjoriemayhem) – Someone get her 10 pugs now.
  58. Lamona Divine (@lamona_divine)
  59. Avarice London (@avarice_london)
  60. Anaol Fetale (@queenanaol)
  61. China dethcrash (@dethcrash)
  62. Amber Cadaverous (@ambercadaverous)
  63. Venice Cathrine De’Wilde (@venice_cathrine)
  64. Karen from Finance (@karenfromfinance) – you probably know her from UNHhhh!
  65. Jane Smoker (@janesmoker)
  66. Ally P Sha (@ally_p_sha)
  67. Anabelle Lektor (@anabellelektor)
  68. Phasma Attack (@queenphasmaattack)
  69. Monikkie Shame (@monikkie_shame)
  70. Anne Fetamine (@anne_fetamine)
  71. Veruca La’ Piranha (@h.r.h.empressveruca) – Was in the Haus of Haunt with Sharon and Alaska
  72. Saline (@thesaline)
  73. Bruise (@originalbruise) – another favorite from Twitter
  74. Ridge Gallagher (@ridgegallagher)
  75. Miss Ida Kay (@missidakay)
  76. Sussi (@thatgirlsussi) – you need to know.
  77. Mirage Amuro (@mirage_amuro)
  78. Serotonin (@serotoninhey)
  79. Omahyra Murad (@omahyramurad)
  80. Ruby Blue (@rubyybluee)
  81. Olana’ Ora’L (@olana_ora_londonna)
  82. London Adour (@xoxolondonadour)
  83. Halessia Rockefeller (@halessiar)
  84. May May Graves (@maymaygraves)
  85. Valium (@missvalium)
  86. Imp Queen (@imp_kid)
  87. Aurora Gozmic (@auroragozmic)
  88. Biancca Banks (@thefuckingbanks)
  89. Judy Darling (@thejudydarling)
  90. Nina Codorna (@ninacodorna)
  91. Amalara Sofia (@amalarasofiapr)
  92. Kahanna Montrese (@kahannamontrese) – You know who her mama is
  93. Rafaella Pop (@rafaella_pop)
  94. Holly White (@mikahollywhite)
  95. Lill Queen (@lillofficial)
  96. Harlet Wench (@harletwench)
  97. Gigi Galore (I do not think she uses instagram) – A seasoned Arkansas queen that you need to see live.
  98. Ms. Burley Chassis (@burleychassis)
  99. Tayla Macdonald (@taylamac)
  100. Chloe Waldorf (@chloewaldorf)
  101. Yvonne Nightstand (@yvonnenightstand)
  102. Hungry (@Isshehungry) – LOOK AT HUH SHE IS RAVENOUS AND FIERCE
  103. Mikayla Gottlieb (@gottmik)
  104. Victoria Mourning (@alexreedt)
  105. Blu Hydrangea (@bluhydrangea_)
  106. girl acne (@girlacne)
  107. Audrey Cortez (@itsaudreycortez)
  108. Lisa Frank Cortez (@darrolllb) – Another favorite to see on my club nights!
  109. Lacey Lou McFadyen (@laceymcfadyen)
  110. Dahli Delia the Devil Daughter (@dahlidelia)
  111. Envy Hart (@envioushart)
  112. Crystal Mess (@inmesswetrust)
  113. Judas Joe Manson (@judasjoemanson)
  114. Luna Lestrange (@misslunalestrange)
  115. Marsha Monster Mellow (@marshamonstermellow)
  116. Ruby Dee (@rubydeedragz)
  117. Yuri Guaii (@yuriguaii)
  118. Plastique Tiara (@plastiquetiara)
  119. Maldita Hammer (@malditahammer)
  120. April Rition (@april_rition)
  121. Nocturna Lee Mission (@nocturna_leemission)
  122. Dakota Dvyne (@dakotadvyne)
  123. Cake Dairy (@cakedairyinc)
  124. Skarlet Starlet (@theskarletstarlet)
  125. Lady Sin A Gaga (@ladysinagaga) – This is one of my favorite drag names ever.
  126. Heidi Glum (@milesdeniro)
  127. Mocha Lite (@vanillaheavy)
  128. Ragamuffin (@ragamuffin_nyc)
  129. Michelle Savvage (@miss.michelle.savvage)
  130. Dollya Black (@dollya.black)
  131. Bleach (@bleachplease)
  132. Scylla Kone (@scyllakone)
  133. Atena Roxy (@atenaroxxy)
  134. Y_Kenzo_ (@y_kenzo_)
  135. Deamonium (@deam_onium)
  136. Dorothime (@dorothime)
  137. Kaya Conky (@kayabixa)
  138. Condessa Cabalista (@condessa.c)
  139. Kalista Stage (@kalistastage)
  140. Luxe Trapp (@luxetrapp)
  141. Pangea (@pangeas_planet)
  142. Shania Satisfaction (@shaniasatisfaction)
  143. Sabrina Laurence (@sabrina_laurence)
  144. Melee Mcqueen (@meleemcqueen)
  145. Gluttoni Sinn (@churchofsinn)
  146. Kari Oki (@kariokiki)
  147. Aloe Vera (@gardenofaloe)
  148. Jessica L’Whor (@the_l.whor)
  149. Cheddar Gorgeous (@cheddar_gorgeous)
  150. Anna Phylactic (@annaphylactic1)
  151. Grace Oni Smith (@grace_oni_smith)
  152. Violet Blonde (@violetofficial)
  153. Liquorice Black (@liquorice_black)
  154. Yolo Ono (@yoloono_chi) – that name tho
  155. Lucky Stiff (@lucky.stiff)
  156. Brigiding/Gigi Valentine (@brigiding)
  157. Kameron Micheals (@danekameron) – Go look at his instagram and tell me how his Marilyn Manson look made you think it was a legit old photo of Manson.

 

Okay so if you know me, then you’re probably like “Where’s Aja you love Aja more than your own self???” While I did include the rest of the House of Aja, I did not include Aja  (@ajathekween on instagram) herself because she is rumored (and very likely is) on season 9. I also did not include Sasha Velour (@sashavelour), Shea Coulee (@sheacoulee), Farrah Moan (@farrahrized), and Kimora Blac (@kimorablac) who are all also very highly rumored to be on season 9. If you’ve not checked them out (shame on you) please check them out on instagram and also here I will list links to one of their performances each:

 

One last thing: if you’ve not kept in check with these queens after their time on the show, I highly recommend going on their instagram and checking out what they’re into now/how much more perfect they’ve gotten:

Okay, thank you so much for reading this post and please check these queens out and remember…. support your local queens and artists!!!! ❤

House Hunting – Week 1

So, almost a year ago Phil and I decided to try to get a house in May of 2017. Well lately, we’ve been wanting to move earlier than that if possible. And last weekend we just essentially said “fuck it” and started looking at houses anyway. This is Phil’s first time buying a house. I’ve never bought a house by myself per se, but this will be the 2nd house I will be getting with someone.  So yeah, we are both pretty new to the home owner game. So we just got on zillow and made a list of houses (22 of them), wrote down numbers of the real estate people listed on the pages, and called it done for the day. So the next day I called the real estate agents, which was nerve-wracking because calling strangers about adult things. I used to love talking on the phone until 3 or 4 years ago. Anyway, I made house appointments with 2 agents for us this past Monday and Tuesday. Monday we met with the first agent to look at 3 houses in Ward. She was nice but you could tell she thought we were super weird (even after I toned my ass down) and also didn’t care to tell us much about each house, and kind of rushed us. I guess she just wanted to go home and also was probably weirded out by us. That’s what I figured.

On Monday, the first house we looked at (180 Sally street) was okay. It looked better on zillow than it did in person. But it did have a swing set in the backyard that would come with the house, which I appreciated. The second house (4 Willard Street) was really well done, remodeled, the guy who owned it knew how to make a place look nice. I really dug the kitchen in this one, had we decided to get this one then I would have done a squid themed kitchen rather than squid bathroom. It also had a decent sized yard for big doggos to borkity bork in. The final house (332 Pintar Lane) was our favorite of the three. It had a crazy huge yard. After seeing all 3 we still decided to continue our search though at the time we were juggling between picking the 2nd or last one. Here are the 3 houses we looked at Monday: 180 Sally Street Ward, AR , 4 Willard Street Ward, AR , and 332 Pintar Lane Ward, AR .

On Tuesday, we met with the second agent at her office which is a place that was shaped like a turtle shell. The first thing she said to us was her asking for our licenses because she said she needed to make photocopies of them because an agent there got murdered. And probably also because she thought we needed Jesus (though I was yet again toned down). So that was an interesting first thing to say, we were sold. She was really nice, friendly, and all that. The first house we saw with her (604 Brookhaven) was really nice on the inside, was a great place that we could work on and make super cool. But, the backyard has this massive, deep, ugly in-ground pool that took up most of the yard. So no yard for doggos, just swamp. I don’t swim and Phil doesn’t swim, and we can’t be fucked to take care of a pool. Plus, we knew the dogs or us or someone would fall in and get seriously hurt, so we were like “lol nope” on this place. The second place (105 Quapaw) I liked a lot, but mostly because the kitchen and the entry way area reminded me of Golden Girls, which the agent pointed out and I was like “omg I love Golden Girls”. The pros of this one was that it was pretty close to the liquor store we frequent, which for us was a big plus (we are terrible). This one had been moved out of for quite awhile and you could tell. The backyard had a few storage sheds, I feel like the previous owners probably kept old cars in storage or maybe hoarded things. Who knows. We would have had to rip out all the carpet in this one, it had the ’90s mobile home in the south’vibe with the carpet. We did like this one though.

And then, the final house we looked at is the one that we will probably be purchasing and moving into soon (33 Del Tara). I think it’s cute and unique on the exterior, like us. And then walking in, it was super clean and well kept. Someone deserved a gold star or five for how nice the renovations are. We probably won’t use the fireplace much in it, because Arkansas, but it is quaint. The kitchen is me-sized so that’s good, though I will still have to climb counters (but that’s at every house ever). The living room isn’t the biggest but it is big enough and we probably won’t have many huge parties so it’s all good. The master bedroom was spacious and the closet was a walk-in, so good for me. And we thought it was kind of weird to have the sink in the bedroom not in the bathroom but it looks alright and I can sit on it. So. We really, really like the den in this one. The ceiling looks tight af and it’s spacious in there, and a good place for our music/art room, as well as for opening up for parties. The fence in the backyard needs a little work done but besides that the backyard is spacious and has a cute porch. We just have to build stairs or a ramp down off the bottom porch thing to the ground because it’s kind of a steep hop down and I know I’d fall or trip or something. But yeah, that’ll most likely be our house. Here are the 3 houses we looked at Tuesday: 604 Brookhaven Ct Jacksonville, AR105 Quapaw Place Jacksonville, AR , and the one we are probably moving into soon 33 Del Tara Drive Jacksonville, AR .

We are probably going to make an offer on the house next weekend. Then whenever we move in, we will set up furniture and at that point we will hold a house warming party. I’ve already decided it’s going to be John Waters themed BUT you don’t have to dress up or go along with it if you don’t want to. We will probably get a Great Dane and Wolfhound really soon after moving in. Needless to say, we are excited and we can’t wait to finally have a place of our own (I especially miss having my own place), though we will miss grandpa and his antics. I am ready to have space again, be able to have pets, and have people over. And to decorate and do DIY things! I am also hoping this move may help me to become artistic again and want to do art, it has been so long since I have had creative mojo. But we will see. We have a list of other houses we just want to look at, but we are pretty settled on this one. It seems to suit both of our tastes and we can make it our own, so that’s nice. So yeah, we plan to spookify and nerd-atize it.

Thank you for reading this!

10 Years Today. TW: suicidal thoughts, eating disorder, depression, abuse

Well, as if today wasn’t bad enough already with this shit show of an election, today is the 10 year anniversary of my mother’s passing…. and I’m going to get on my ranty soap box for a minute here about the election…. Like wtf, America. I knew many people (especially in the Bible Belt where I currently reside) were racist, sexist, and prejudice rotten assholes but this really exposed how intense this mentality still is in modern day America, in the year 2016, the year of our lord and saviors Snapchat and ‘chill’. I was already scared of people in general and of living in the south, and now I have grown more terrified and wary. As so many others have. Like, early on in the night last night I figured Hillary would pull through and win (and that it would be a very huge win), because everyone I know were about Hillary and anti-Trump. So when I saw the piss storm that it turned into late last night, I was like “WTF how I don’t know anyone who would vote for this inside-out sweet potato” but then I realized that I DO know people who would vote for him: my biological family. I remembered how a year ago my dad was watching Trump going on on TV, and was all “at least he tells it like it is!” and how my stepmom, my half-brother and step-sister, and family on both sides (including my MOM’S FUCKING SIDE which I absolutely hate because that side is usually okay and not terrible like 98% of my dad’s side) were like him. Which goes to show, once again that none of my bio family cares about me or the LGBTQ+ community, thinks we deserve rights, and will never accept us. Which unfortunately isn’t new, they’ve been in denial and offended about me being an atheist and, as they eloquently put it, a “faggot” since my step-sister forced me out of the closet as a scapegoat when I was 17 (8 years ago). I am probably uninvited to all family holiday dinner junk due to my FB post about how I felt about this election (oh I’m so upset about having to sit at home and eat tofurkey in bed or hold 2nd annual Friendsgiving…), but ever since I was 10 it has always been a shitty interrogation visit at any family event. Always with the “so when are you going to grow up and grow out of this?”, “You can’t be weird forever”, “Have you started to finally eat meat again like the lord commands?”, “Have you found the lord and stopped being Satanic?”, “Are you right yet?”, etc. They all think I’m ‘not right’, as in I’ve got something broken within me because of how I am. And as I always say, family and people that hate me for who I am are no family or friends to me. I just try to keep the peace during holidays….. but this year may be the year that ends. ALSO!! I’m very upset about this election due to the fact that my brother BJ (not my half-brother, BJ is the brother I like) who is the smartest and best person I know, woke up very upset about this election. Which hurts my heart because he is such a kind, caring individual and is now scared for himself (he is autistic and fears because he is mentally disabled that Trump and his cult followers will harm him, which I will fucking kill if they even think about it). I raised my brother completely after our mom passed, so seeing him upset about this makes me very heartbroken and want to murder every one of these terrible people.

 

And now I will talk about today and my mother’s 10 year anniversary of passing, sorry I got long-winded up there….

10 years ago my mom died in the hospital after going brain dead. What caused this was my dad, depression, and anorexia. All this started in 1991 when my mom met my dad. My mom was a bartender in Texas and my dad was some construction worker dude. A 1 night stand led to pregnancy (it me surprise), and them getting married because even in 1991 that was THE Thing you absolutely had to do if you got the prego outside of wedlock (or because you told your very old school parents and wouldn’t just go get an abortion, Christ mom). My dad was NOT happy about that. And my dad was  NOT happy when he found out he was having a girl instead of a boy. Like, he went into that hospital on the day I was delivered hoping that the doctors were wrong and that I came out kickin’ with a penis. He was pretty disappointed, like how you tell someone to go get your favorite kind of burrito from Taco Bell or whatever and they come back with taco flavored chips or something from the Dollar Tree. As I was growing up in the tiny town of Oxley in my beginning years, my dad was never around much, was an alcoholic, and eventually went to jail. Unfortunately, my mom was still in love and all that and didn’t see this as an opportunity to haul ass. She stayed and waited. Then he got out, BJ was created (my mom knew I wouldn’t be happy about having a sibling since I was a weird brat so she told me it was a cat in there which I believed), and Russell went to prison. Instead of bailing this time, she took their savings, bought a trailer, and put it on some land in Shirley, Arkansas (my hometown where I unfortunately spent most of my life).

When Russell got out this time, it seemed he got wayyy more intense. Like, he was already a shitty person who didn’t care about my mom or having kids and just wanted to get messed up and talk shit on us (in front of us usually)…. but then he took it to a physical level. I remember one of the times I saw him physically harm my mother. This was the time that really stuck with me. It was late at night, and I came out of my bedroom to see him choking her. I flipped, it was scary to see at age 4/5. I started shouting “leave her alone! Let her go!” and he kept telling me to go back to the bedroom and slapped me. But he did stop choking her. I remember after this, they stopped sharing a bed together and instead he started sleeping in my room. Which was annoying and upsetting (especially as I got older) because I had to share the bed with him and sleep with him. Which I feel like was a huge no no. He would always come in my room when I was trying to play with my horses (I had a lot of toy horses, I was one of those kids) and tell me to stop playing because it was annoying. So I stopped playing. And he always would rage if we cried or showed much emotion, so I think that’s when I shut down my feelings and started hiding them. Also, when Russell got out and came to Shirley, it wasn’t long after that that my mom’s cousin Liz started coming around with her husband and kid, Lauren….

Eventually, he decided to buy some property up the road and build a house. He told my mom that he was building the house for all of us to move there. Unfortunately, my mom believed him and was so excited. Liz was around A LOT. But apparently no one got wise to it. When he finished building, he packed his stuff one morning and told my mom he had been seeing Liz and that the house actually was for him and Liz, not him and my mom. And that he’d see her in court for divorce. This really, extremely broke my mother. She was so beside herself. Before this incident she did exercise a lot and didn’t eat very healthy because my dad would tell her she was fat and ugly (no matter what because he is utter shit) and so she’d try to please him. But when this happened, she barely ate. She started drinking a lot from what I remember. She hated Liz, I can’t blame her. After the divorce went through, I remember Liz and Russell laughing about it because they were able to take me away from her (fuck that whole deal, I was so upset) and how she was dumb and they hoped she would die. My dad would drive by my mom’s house a lot and call to complain about things. He would even steal our pets if they were outside and do who knows what with them. I know he did run over one of my dogs, a beagle named Bandy. Sometimes he’d come on the neighboring property and shoot BB guns at my horses and my grandpa’s cattle. He stole my pet goat and gave it to someone else. He’d call and hang up a lot. He would leave rude notes on my mom’s car windshield at Walmart. But, none of this alarmed anyone. He was “just being Russell”. No one wanted to see my mom’s side of the situation or help her or do anything. He was a monster, truly.

One time, I remember my mom was drinking and really upset. She was sitting in the closet so my brother and I went in there to try to get her out. She locked us in the closet with her and told us how she was going to get a gun, find Liz’s car at Walmart, get in it, and blow her brains out all over her nice new car interior that Russell bought her (Russell started working at the family-run funeral home in Clinton when he got out the 2nd time). This terrible, sad plan of my mom’s was quite a thing to hear as a young kid and has stuck hard in my mind since. When the divorce went through and I had to go live with Russell, I was so mad and upset. My mom was too, but for some reason the court ruled Russell get one of us and my mom get the other (BJ). I did not want to go live with him, I was scared of him and I hated him and Liz. Liz and Russell thought they were something, fucking my mom up like that and taking me away just to spite her. I turned into a babysitter for them for Lauren (step-sister) and for Carson who was born before Russell left (half-brother), as well as a house maid and punching bag. But everyone really liked to overlook that fact and be hush hush about it. The molestation also started as some “punishment” for things like, not taking care of Carson well enough, not doing something right, or for showing emotion. People overlooked that too.

My mom eventually quit her job and stopped eating almost completely. She got down to 85 lbs, could barely walk anymore, and was very ‘not all there’. Her eyes had yellowed. After I got taken away, I was not allowed to go see her or talk to her. I was so mad. I didn’t get to see BJ either really, unless it was at school. The last time I ever saw my mom alive was one day my dad, very pissed off, told me to get in his truck because I was going to have a visit with my mom. For only an hour I was allowed. I was excited, but nervous because I thought she’d be mad at me. Nothing could have prepared me for this visit. I did not know she had gotten that bad. I saw her yellow eyes, how super thin she was, how she could barely walk and it made me feel sick and upset. But she was happy to see me. She asked me if I was thirsty and I told her no and she decided to try to walk to the kitchen anyway and I felt so bad and told her not to worry and I’d get myself a drink later. We sat and talked for an hour. She said she liked my look, and I came out to her as also liking girls (I did not know what pansexual was back then or that you could be nonbinary), and she was the very first person I came out to and the only supportive family member of it (besides my brother BJ). She was also accepting of me being an atheist (none other besides BJ were). When it was time to leave, Russell decided to be super pleasant and blare the horn until I came to the truck. When I had to go, we hugged tightly and she said she loved me and wished things hadn’t turned out how they did  and had gotten to keep me and that she wish she could have had more time with me. I did not think about it then.

The Halloween before she died, I had a weird feeling. I just did. So when Russell and Liz left to go who knows where that evening, I took the chance and called my mom to talk to her. We had a long conversation and she told me she loved me and to be brave and to keep being myself and to get away from Russell when I could. She told me she was sorry it turned out how it was and that she had hoped it could have changed and she missed me constantly. She told me she was so sorry and that she regretted how it was and hated Russell and Liz for it all. I had to get off the phone when I saw Liz and Russell pull up or else they’d absolutely let me have it if they had caught me or found out. The last thing my mom said to me was that she loved me.

On the evening of November 8th, my dad came home and had BJ with him with some of his clothes. Something was wrong. My dad told me that he was running off to go to a hospital in Little Rock while some neighbor would come sit with us and keep an eye on BJ and I (Liz and the other 2 were gone somewhere). When he left, BJ explained that our mother had had a seizure and had been flown to Little Rock. The neighbor person told us we better not talk about it anymore or else we’d be in trouble. I want you to know that my dad drove all the way to Little Rock to basically watch my mom die like it was some final victory on his part. He brought beer, he drank and celebrated like it was some sports game and his team was coming through hardcore. What had happened was that my mom had went brain dead, and died. We got the call early November 9th of her passing. We both were silent. We didn’t know what to do, but we knew if we showed any emotion we would get in trouble. BJ had to move in. Liz and Russell were so pleased with my mom dying. They treated it like it was some party. It was so sick to watch. And if we ever acted upset or sad about it, they’d get really mad at us like we were just ruining their lives with being sad over our mom dying.

I was so mad when my mom died. Mad at Russell and Liz, and mad at my mom. I know my anger at my mom and misdirected and immature, but I was so upset because I felt like she had abandoned us and abandoned saving me from Russell. I was mad for a few years. But then I got over it, finally felt some of my hurt from her death, and realized it wasn’t her fault at all and 100% Russell and Liz. I have not faced completely the fact that she is dead, I don’t know if I ever can. My brother and I don’t really talk about it, it’s like it just never happened I guess. The first time (yes the first time, Russell didn’t let me go to the funeral) I visited my mom’s grave was years after she passed. It was weird and very surreal. I have only been 2x. I was hoping to go today but Phil uses my car during the week since he has the nice job and her grave is an hour and a half away. Growing up in a funeral home, I got used to death and dead bodies. But my mom’s body is the only body so far that I do not know if I could hold it together if I saw it.

Russell now tries to play like he never acted how he did when my mom was dying/died. He does the “I tried to help her but she wouldn’t have it. She’s the reason I left, I wanted to stay” etc. I think it is guilt creeping in. I hope that the guilt eats him and Liz alive. I hope it tears them apart. I hope it fucking kills them. I do. I know that’s harsh, but with how they were with my mom and how they treated me and other people (and still d0), I wish all the pain and death on them. Every moment I wish it was Russell who had died, or me. With every moment that passes I question why my mother out of the two. I wish so bad that I could have traded places with her, I wish so bad that it had been me instead. I feel guilt constantly because I do not think I would make my mom proud, with being a failure and not being able to currently get BJ out of my dad’s house around from that toxicity. Just over a year ago I wrote a suicide note while strung out which included a letter to my mom. I wrote how I knew she would be disappointed in me and that I’m sorry for failing her. The last thing my mom said before she died was apparently that she did not want her children raised by Russell, but guess what happened. We lived with him til I got exiled for being, again as he elegantly says, a “faggot” and an atheist and went to college. BJ is still there. BJ is one of the top motivations for trying to get a decent job/entry level career going with this stupid degree, he’s also the top motivation for this business degree that has paid off so so so well here. 10 years is so long but at the same time, I can’t believe it and I’m not sure I want to.

I will finally end this long blog post by saying this: If you know anyone who is depressed, suffering from an eating disorder or a mental illness, or being abused do not treat it lightly or ignore it. Please don’t do that. My mother is proof that when you do that, that it does not turn out well and that people can die from these things and neglect to help them. And because everyone overlooked her and didn’t take her seriously, I don’t have a mom. She’s dead. I grew up without her for support or making memories. There are so many things I wish I could have shown her or done with her over the years and so many times I wish I had her around, which is a constant feeling honestly. Please be kind to people and helpful as you can, sometimes people really need it even if they don’t want to admit it or try to hide it.

Thank you for reading this if you did.

 

 

A Fear of Asking (TW: self harm, abuse, depression)

** Okay, so I have been putting this blog post off for months now… which has eventually led to me not posting on my blog here because I knew I needed to get this done but was scared to, hence procrastination. So bear with me on this, because this will be extremely hard for me to write, let alone share. This will be an extremely personal post in which I will open up about things that I never do but I feel like I am at a point where I have no other way and must. So I ask you to please not think less of me or bad of me, please. Thank you.**

Okay, so I know a lot of people… or let’s be real 98% of people I know currently… think that I am a dumb failure who will never achieve anything or amount to anything in my life. Well, I guess currently you may not be wrong. And I fear that maybe you may be right with how things are going. But I want you to know something. In 2010, I started college at ASU-Beebe. This was the first time I was away from my abusive father in my life (well during the week, he made me go home on the weekends or he’d threaten me), and so I was able to truly socialize and…. live. I was also very determined to never go back to that life and get completely away from my dad forever, and to get my brother BJ out of there as well. So, I had decided in 11th grade to get a business degree. I felt it was a safe bet, would for sure guarantee a decent entry level job out of college, and also because when I had said I wanted to be in art or fashion (my dad flipped the fuck out and raged on me). Though I got a huge deal of shit for solely being me from people at college which included faculty, I left ASU- Beebe with a 3.1 GPA. I then went to UCA. I liked it there a lot better, I actually wanted to go there first off. I never wanted to go to ASUB, my dad made me go there because he felt like he could control me more if I went there. I was somewhat happy at UCA, which is saying a lot. I studied hard. I made study guides, wrote papers for, and even did homework for 20+ people during my 2 years at UCA. And when I graduated UCA with my BBA in Management and an emphasis in supply chain emphasis, I graduated as an honor graduate. Yes, me. Me.

As I said, during my time at UCA I was somewhat happy. I was in a great, perfect relationship, like that kind of love you  see on The Notebook or something. I was always on the Dean’s list. I helped many classmates out. I always got my shit done. I was making friends finally, mostly online but still. I had stopped hurting myself for the most part, and I stopped wanting to die so much and sleep all the time. It was crazy but nice ya know….. To feel loved, to feel beautiful, to feel social, to feel intelligent, to feel somewhat important, and mostly to feel like things were going to work out and I was going to be successful and happy. Damn I miss it.

I poured 100% of myself into college my senior year. And the fear starting creeping in, then flooded in. I didn’t see my partner much at the time due to this, and also something on his end. I was so set on making for sure I got out of college and got a good job. It was insane. If I wasn’t studying or doing something school-related, I was having a nap. I tried to ignore the fear, my partner told me to ignore the fear, that it was all in my head and I was going to do absolutely fine when I graduated. That I was going to get a good job and any half-decent employer would see I was great. But the fear & paranoia would have none of that. I started absolutely fearing being a failure, of not being able to get a good job or anything decent at all, and the worst thing to me….. having to go back to live at my dad’s, which I swore so many times that I would kill myself rather than go back to that hell on earth. No one, but I guess my partner at the time, has any idea how much that idea of even going back drove me to my best. Back then, I was still under a sort of ‘spell’ (I guess that would be the term to use) of my dad’s abuse and control. My partner would tell me not to deal with him, not to let him control me like that, that he didn’t have anything to hold over my head in reality. But I was so scared and disillusioned, so I would deal with Russell. And Russell (my dad) would threaten me so that I had to come spend a weekend a month with him. I always hated it, I always dreaded it. When the time came close every month, I would start self-harming a lot and my mindset would change back to this mindset I had before college…. of utter fear and very extreme thinking. Like, a lot of times I would think “if he tries to touch me or hit me I will have to defend myself or die” or “I don’t think I can do this anymore, maybe this is it and all there is and I should kill myself now”.

By the time I graduated, I was so scared but I was under this ignorant spell that things would be okay. That I would get a good job. When I walked across that stage to graduate, I thought “This is it. Now I can move on and have the life I wanted.” Was I wrong. My relationship had been suffering awhile, due to me being intense about college, then getting a degree he didn’t want me to get, and some things on his end. My dad was getting more avid and violent about me moving back to his house. My advisor and careers services had dropped me like a bad habit, going from trying to help me find great job opportunities to not responding to my emails. I learned too late that college IS a business, and once your graduate no one cares about you or what happens to you. And so I realized that my fears were becoming a reality. So, my addictions that I had developed in the summer after I had to return home from college in 2011 (after my freshman year at ASUB), which hadn’t really been a problem prior to after my college graduation in 2014, blew up. In short, it all went to hell.

I knew I was a failure, I had known all along but had hoped that my effort would have prevented that. I knew I was never going to have a good life, but was determined to try to stop that. And especially when my partner abandoned me, I couldn’t handle life or existing. I went back to being how I was before UCA, but with addictions. I don’t really know how I made it through all that, especially the bingeing on substances.

I remember the first time I completely felt like I was absolutely fucked, that my degree was worthless, and that all my effort was nothing. I had applied for an entry level, ‘no experience needed’ position at a company in my college town. I was so hopeful, so ignorant. Well, I did well on the phone interview until, and I’m not sure why still, the interviewer told me that the position actually did require some experience (AFTER interviewing me for it), then went in on me telling me that I was not going to make it in business and that I should stop trying. I felt like I had done well in the phone interview. But when she said all that, I broke more than I thought I could. I thought I was completely broken by this point, but I broke and died so much more. I cried for a long time about that, and it still hurts me to think about.

I had to move back in with my dad a year after graduating. And THAT is what I count as the low point of low points in my life. The place I vowed to NEVER go back, I was back and living there, in it. My dad reveled in it, constantly with the ‘Told you so, told you you couldn’t live without me and you needed to come back home’. For the time I was there, he made me sleep in bed with him every night. Things happened, like back when I lived there in high school. I was back self harming constantly. My addiction was at an all time high, but I couldn’t get supplied due to being in the middle of nowhere. So that was an all new hell on earth, in absolute hell on earth.

Also, about a year ago and until February or early spring of this year, I was under the impression that someone I have known a long time and was/am close to was going and was able to get me on at where they work, which would have been a great entry level position, let alone position period. I was excited, I felt like I could learn the information needed for the job and do it. I felt like I’ve always been good with technology. The person said they would help me get on there and that they were totally cool with me working in the same place as them. I had hope, once again. Mind you I was also still applying to other places, any places, as well at the time. But I had hopes for this certain place and with this person. Well, time went on and then this person revealed that they didn’t want to work together with me because then they’d see me all the time and that they didn’t want that. I promised I’d stay out of their way and let them be, that I’d give them all the space I could. Then they went on to tell me that they thought that I wasn’t smart enough or good enough to work there. Which, especially because of who this person is, really hurt to hear. It still hurts a lot. It began to hurt more when they got their best friend hired on, who they also saw quite a lot, at the company that they work at. I do not like to be around their friend because I have a jealousy (I know that is bad) and also because it seems like every time I am around them they brag about their job and how great it is and seem to try to make me feel bad about myself. So I do not like to be around this person’s friend at all now. This is just one instance, but a big instance, of why I am extremely wary of having hope in anything or anyone or trusting people. And also why I have grown super hermitty and down on myself, and this did not do well for my thinking that everyone hates me and thinks bad of me.

And now we get to the part that I fear and am ashamed of. This is the part that has made me put off writing this for so long…..

I have applied to at least 2000 positions. I have felt like a complete failure for 2 years going. I haven’t been happy with myself or any aspect of my life in a long time. I am ashamed, I am depressed, and I constantly think about these things and how I would have let my mom down so much if she was still alive. There is this voice constantly screaming failure at me in my head. I am in this constant fear state. I am ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of being a failure. Of failing everyone and myself. Of sucking at life. I do not want to be where I am in life right now, in any aspect of my current life. Sometimes, there is this voice in my head that says “You are better than this. You deserve better than this.” But I am at the point where I think this voice is lying to me and just trying to feed me false hope just so I live on longer to be a failure more and hate myself even more. I just want to be happy and start my career, put my degree to use…. as I keep saying. Sorry.

I have a huge fear of asking anyone for anything and I am ashamed to ask for help, but if any of you reading this, especially those I went to college with or who work in an office or job relevant to my degree or business degrees or anything…… if you have any open positions in your workplace or know of any, I would be ever so grateful  if you could ‘get me in’, be a connection for the position, or recommend me. Something like that. Call centers, office, clerical, supply chain related (especially if you have ties at Maverick US transport since I’ve been trying to get in there since before I graduated), entry level….. I would be happy if you know of any ins or could help me out. I am tired of being and feeling like a failure, I am tired of thinking my degree is useless and feeling like it will never be of help to me. I am tired of not being good enough. I am tired of having the constant thought of “You’ll never be successful, you need to end it”, I am so tired of the voices constantly going on with that. I am a degree holder (BBA in Management with supply chain emphasis). I am capable. I am a go getter. I am always on time. I am intelligent, I think, or so I used to be. I just need a chance. I just want to get my career started and put my degree to use finally. I just want to get my life going and feel happy again. I want to exist. I want to WANT to exist.

I feel really ashamed and nervous about writing and sharing this post, but I felt I had no other choice at this point since I am desperate at this point and so I decided to finally reach out though I fear and feel bad asking for help. I am so so sorry for this, please do not judge me harshly. If you can help in any way or anything, I more than appreciate it. I am so sorry about this and sharing this. Thank you for even reading this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank YOU.

 

 

 

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